Why Your Feedback Isn’t Landing—and How to Make It Count

Let´s assume you know all about the DO´s and DON'Ts of providing feedback, such as

• being specific,

• aligning your message and communication style to the other person, or

• focusing on behaviors not personalities.

Let´s also assume that despite adhering to these important principles, you sometimes get the feeling that your feedback just does not quite "get through" to the other side.

Or, you might even get their agreement to your feedback, but still feel that they are just not taking it in fully. They may have even said things like "Thank you so much for this excellent feedback!", but then you would see them go back to their desks and fall into old habits after a few days - habits they themselves said they would like to change. How frustrating - for yourself and them. 

So what to do? What are you missing?  My answer is this: Try not to be a "party pooper"!

When giving feedback, we often behave like little selfish "party poopers". Here are the Top 4 misbehaviors of party poopers (my list):

1. Coming uninvited and crashing the party

2. Once there, telling all the other kids what to play and what to do

3. Choosing a wrapping for your gift that just sucks

4. Giving your gift and then expecting something in return

   
   

1. “Crashing the party” – Giving feedback uninvited.

When we give feedback we often focus a great deal on how we give feedback. And there is no doubt, aspects such as being specific and behavior oriented and tailoring your message to the receiver, are important WHEN giving feedback. So keep, nourish, practice & use them as much as possible.

What we tend to overlook though, are the things that happen BEFORE and around feedback. We need to check if  “the lights are on", i.e. if the setting and timing are right, and if "someone is home”, i.e. the recipient is open to feedback. 

So, the next time you think you want to share some feedback with anyone, do this FIRST:

1. Check, if the timing and setting are right

2. Check, if your counterpart is interested in and open to receiving feedback. And although feedback can be very much like a present, even presents need to be offered before they are given.

3. Make sure the other person accepts your offer to provide feedback to them.

   
   

Only then has the moment come for you to provide your feedback.

Message 1: Before giving feedback, ensure it's the right time and place, then ask if feedback is welcomed, and wait for a positive response.

2. “Telling all the other kids what to play” - Giving advice instead of feedback.

Feedback is different from merely “giving advice”. It is also not the same as a “performance review”.

Feedback is not so much about giving or telling. It's more about sharing - sharing our perspective on a particular matter or situation.

One of the more common objections I hear when offering this specific view on feedback goes something like this: "But that would not work for me. I manage really smart, tough and goal-driven people. I would make it sound too soft and unimportant.”

My response to this point is twofold:

First, feedback is about the other person and their development, not about the person giving feedback. It is not about convincing, or persuading anyone. Instead, we make an offer. This way of looking at feedback will do two things:

1. The feedback-provider will experience a great relief of the pressure to deliver, or persuade the other person to change their behavior and views, and

2. The feedback-receiver will be more open to this kind feedback and appreciative of the offer.

   
   

Second, you don´t need to fear that you are interacting with less impact, or power by framing feedback as “a sharing of your perspective”. What you really do by inviting someone to adopt another point of view is give them a chance to have a first-hand experience by seeing things differently with their very own eyes. This is much more powerful than listening to someone´s advice and just taking their word for it.

Message 2: Share your perspective instead of giving advice.

3. “Choosing the worst wrapping for your gift” - our choice of words

When giving feedback our choice of words still reflects the old perception that “we saw something that the other person didn't see". We think that we know more about them than they do themselves...Don´t get me wrong: I am a big fan of the Johari Window, but we should be careful not to jump to conclusions and assume that we have unearthed anyone's blind spots. Instead, we could ask first why they behaved that way in that particular situation. We need to listen first- ideally to understand not to reply.

After asking for their reflection, we should make sure not to mistake our views and perspective for “THE reality” or “THE truth”. Our perspective is based on our observations, which go through our very personal and individual filters and funnels of perception. These filters are different from person to person and are shaped by our individual priorities, values, convictions etc. In other words, we construct our own reality. A reality, which has - when shared in a constructive manner - much potential to be useful to others; but it is still only another perspective - not THE TRUTH.

Considering this subjectivity of reality, we may become more humble over time, and learn to express our opinions in a more agreeable manner, thereby reducing resistance and defensiveness to our words. Such language could include expressions such as "According to my perspective...", "What I have seen and heard is this:...", rather than "you did XYZ..." or "you must change this...".

Message 3: Use words that open the minds and hearts of others.

4. Trading instead of Giving

Take a look at your own feelings before offering feedback. How much do you WANT the other person to accept your offer?

Worst case: You are personally so involved, emotionally invested, and attached to your own views that the only right response of the person receiving your feedback is to agree with you - and of course, thank you.

Instead: Try to see feedback really as a birthday present: You give it altruistically and don't expect anything in return.

Remember: It is THEIR development, and thus THEIR choice to accept, or reject any feedback - even if it's given with the best of intentions.

Message 4: The nature of a present is to be given - without expecting anything in return (otherwise it would be called a trade).

Liked the content?

• You may enjoy this video on feedback

  
  

• Find out more about your own authentic self HERE

About the author: Swen writes and speaks about what he calls “the authentic self” – more authenticity in lives, leadership and careers. He is a life-long learner and student of life and people. At the same time, he also enjoys being a guide and coach for people on their paths of self-reflection and self-discovery.